November 26, 2008 - The day we had looked forward to had finally arrived. The doctor told us that we could take our babies home. Celebration!!! We put the "Home from the Hospital" outfits on that Grandma had bought for them, strapped them in their car seats and everyone was wheeled out the doors. That's where we encountered our first obstacle. We had never used car seats with bases before and had no idea what we were doing. But...a little wiggling and jiggling and both boys were secure and we were on our way home. Finally our little family would be together under one roof. We stopped at Lincoln's for a celebratory lunch to bring home with us. And I ended up eating my lunch with an infant on my lap. Exactly as I imagined it would be actually.
We had to feed Chandler and Tyler every two hours (start to start). So, after our lunch, it was time for their lunch. And so we made the bottles and forced the right amount down their little throats. It was essential that they eat the right amount in the right amount of time. This took scheduled feeding to a whole different level, but it was important for their health. So we did it. After we fed them, I called my mom at work and asked "Now what?" I had no idea what to do with the babies now that they were home. They didn't seem very interested in playing with anything. In fact, they really just seemed to want to sleep. How boring?!?! My mom laughed, told me that newborns sleep a lot and gave me a few tips for some baby exercises to get them moving a little.
I'll skip over the gory details of my attempts to pump to an extent. But let me tell you, I felt like a cow being milked...except with little to no success. But I did it, because I was convinced I could get things flowing and eventually be able to actually nurse my baby boys.
Before we knew it, it was "bed" time. So hard to call it that when we knew we were only going to get one hour of sleep at a time...if we were lucky. We swaddled the boys, lay them in the co-sleeper attached to the bed and lay down ourselves. "Waaaaaaa!!!! Waaaaaaa!!!" Yeah, I expected that. We soothed them, popped in their binkies and tried again. "Waaaaaa!!! Waaaaaa!!!" Ah well, it was time to feed them again anyway.... And so the first night went. I'm not going to lie. About halfway through the night I began to wonder why I had been in such a hurry for them to come home for this. As upsetting as the NICU was, it was kind of nice having the nurses take the night shift.
Morning came, with little sleep. Not much different than any other new parents I know. But we couldn't just survive the day. It was Thanksgiving. So, we pulled ourselves together and headed over to my brother's house to celebrate. Everyone was so excited to see the babies. And we were happy to have our first outing out of the way. Then we headed to my father in law's house for more family time. And finally, exhausted, we headed home. Halfway through the night, Mike convinced me to try putting them in their cribs. And it was still awful, because we had to wake ourselves and them every two hours to eat. But it was slightly less awful then the first night. Progress!!!
If you're a parent, you already know how the next few days went. If you're not, nothing I say can ever prepare you. It was wonderful. It was awful. It was life. And then my husband went back to work... I had to take care of two newborns on my own for the majority of the day. And I still had to pump (or at least try to pump) several times a day. To say it was difficult would be a serious understatement. My mom was working full time, but she occasionally stopped by after work to see the boys. One day, after Mike had been back to work for a couple of weeks, she came and then she tried to leave. I started crying. And crying. And crying. She stayed until Mike got home from work. Then they sent me upstairs to take a shower, which I hadn't done in days. And I cried in the shower. When I came downstairs, they were both concerned and trying to be very understanding...which made me cry. Needless to say, the baby blues had set in. I have never felt so alone and overwhelmed in my entire life. And I felt like a complete failure. No other moms seemed to have this much trouble. I had failed at pregnancy, I had failed at nursing and I was failing at taking care of my babies.
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