Keep your Kids Safe People

It turns out that I am not too good at this whole blogging thing. I find myself recalling funny stories for friends and having them tell me that I need to write this stuff down. I agree, and start to do just that, only to stop because I'm not getting it "right." But I am determined to try again...if only to make my kids miserable when they grow older and read what I put out here for everyone to read.
So...what's on my mind today? A news story about TV's falling on young children and killing them. We've all heard the horror stories of this happening. I even took precautions against that happening by getting rid of our very old, heavy TV in the playroom when my kids started walking (read climbing). They now have a smaller, but much safer, flat screen mounted to the wall. But even I thought I might be being a little overprotective on that one. It has literally shaken my soul to think about something like that happening to any one of my friends or family. Please, please take precautions to keep your kids safe.

That is all. I promise not to start preaching at you, but I had to share this one thing.

I can do it...by myself!

I've never considered myself a nervous mother. Scheduled, sure. But not nervous. I've even had many people remark on how calm I am. But I've recently discovered that I am, in fact, very nervous...about venturing out alone with my boys. In fact, I just don't do it unless I have to. To a certain extent, it makes sense. I mean, going to the doctor alone with two toddlers could break even the toughest parents out there. And my kids are too young to play without any assistance at the park. So another adult is almost a requirement for if (read when) they opt to go in two completely different directions. But there is no reason that we can't go many places alone, and even have a good time doing it. Especially if they are in a stroller. But even if they are not. I recently had to sign them up for their first Toddler Tunes class alone. And I dreaded the whole thing. But it had to be done. And you know what? They were fine. They are two, and had to be told no a few times. But that would be the case no many how many willing helpers I might have with me. So why am I so nervous? You know the answer already, don't you? It's because that as well behaved as they are, they are still two. Which means that one or both of them might decide to throw a tantrum at any given time and I am scared that I will not be able to handle it alone. If someone else is there, at the very least we can physically control the situation by picking them up and removing them. But have you ever tried removing two misbehaving children at the same time? It can (and has) been done. But not without a lot of embarrassment. I feel like every eye in the place is on me, judging me for being too harsh...or not harsh enough. And that's when I have help! And make no mistakes, kids know when your defenses are down. And they know exactly how to go in for the kill. But, I am their mom. And not just their mom, but their stay at home mom. So, I am going to have to put on my big girl panties and start venturing out with them...alone. We'll start small. Today, when they wake up from their naps, we'll take a stroller walk to the summer market. Which won't be much different than a thousand other stroller walks we have completed. It'll just have an actual destination thrown in. Tomorrow, maybe we'll come up with something else....

Play Areas

I just came across this facebook post from November 2009 - Summary of my 1st day as a SAHM: Tyler wakes up with a red, swollen, goopy eye. Mommy and Grandma pack up both kids to go to Mommy's Cardiologist. Then off to the Pediatrician. Lunch. Chandler starts getting yucky eye. Aunt Kat watches boys so Mommy can take her class. Mommy puts boys down for nap, but they wake up before the lasagna is finished. Mommy sends out an SOS to Grandma...Success???

I'm kind of surprised after a day like that that I still wanted to be a SAHM. I guess you've got to go big or go home. Maybe God was starting me off with a bang so my job would seem easier after the illness was over?

And now a word about play areas... These are the bad weather solution for parents who have kids afflicted with cabin fever. They are wonderful. A nice, confined area for the kids to run around and play with some degree of safety. They are not the cleanest places on the planet, but kids get dirty no matter where they are. And I can often drink an entire large Mocha in relative peace while we are visiting. But...I am on constant guard to make sure that my children are safe and playing nicely. And it would make my day if all of the other parents were paying a bit of attention as well. Take yesterday, for instance. One of the little girls in the McPlayplace brought a bottle of bubbles with her. And then proceeded to spill (or dump) those bubbles inside unnoticed. I saw another little girl enter the area with napkins and thought "what are they up to?" Then I saw them clearly trying to clean something up. Then I saw the mostly empty bubbles container. The girls left that area with my boys still in there, and who knows what mess, so my mom went in to inspect and clean up any leftovers. The little girl's mother never even noticed. Not even when the girl thought she might get in trouble and went to confess. She didn't notice until the person across from her pointed out my mom cleaning it up. And even then, she didn't offer to help or apologize. And then...she gave the girl another bottle of bubbles!!! Seriously?!?!

I am not going to lie. I am absolutely "that mom" when it comes to my kids' safety. But...I fight it with every fiber of my being. I try to let them figure things out on their own. I do not go into the play area unless absolutely necessary because I figure it's better for them to figure things out on their own. My philosophy is that if they can't do it on their own, they shouldn't be doing it. But I'm not going to let them get hurt either. And I'm not going to let them hurt someone else's child...even if they might "deserve" it.

As a parting thought, I understand that you can't keep your child home in bed for every runny nose. But please, please, please don't take them to the play area and then have a conversation with your companion about how this is the first outing you've had in a week because of the horrible flu your child has and that you dressed him in shorts because you weren't sure the fever was gone.

Stare if you Must

Is it just me, or does the entire world stop and stare when one (or both) of my boys act up in public. As soon as they start acting out, I immediately go into critical soothe mode. Anything and everything must be done to SHUT HIM UP! But then reason kicks in. And, for better or worse, I try very hard to maintain the discipline we work so hard on at home. Which means that I am all too often "that mom" in the stores. The mom that people are staring at because her kid is screaming. The mom who is giving her kids a timeout in the Home Depot parking lot. The mom who is hauling her kid, kicking and screaming, out of the grocery store to sit in the car while he cries his heart out because he would not listen to reason.

Not so long ago, a friend was complaining about a mom breezily shopping while her baby cried in the car seat. They were appalled at the mother's lack of attention being paid to the child. I wish I had been there to give that mother a little support. Because it is unlikely that she didn't care that her baby was crying. She probably knew that nothing she could do would soothe the baby at that point. And she was most likely trying to get in and out of that store as quickly as humanly possible.

And then there was the time that my companion complained about the mother who wasn't doing anything to control her kids during a flight. I saw a mom that was travelling alone with 3 small children. This was long before I had any children. Today, I would ask the mom if she wanted me to hold her baby for a bit so she could get a break. Back then, I could only think to offer what I hoped was a supportive smile.

I would give anything for a supportive smile some days. Instead of the evil eye because I dared put my children on leashes. It was not my intention to "walk" them like dogs. But rather, I was hoping that if my one year old twins were not willing to hold my hand that I would have a measure of safety in the very large and crowded museum. Admittedly, it didn't work. They strained at their leashes, in opposite directions of course, and we never got anywhere. And I put them, kicking and screaming, back in their strollers. And then we practiced walking nicely in the house for months before we tried it out of the house again.

I don't believe there is one right way to do things. And I am willing to listen to your point of view. But in the end, I am going to make the choices that I feel are right for my kids. And if that means that you are going to stare at me while I try to gain control of the situation, then bring it on!

Potty Training Begins

If someone had told me that some day, I would be flipping out over my kids going to the bathroom, I'd have told them they were crazy. But I have never been more proud as yesterday when Tyler asked me to go poop on the potty...and then did! And then Chandler followed with his very first controlled pee pee in the potty. We are in no way shape or form potty trained. But we are making our first steps. Which is a relief considering Chandler's habit of removing his clothes and diaper (and his brother's) whenever the opportunity arises. And then painting with whatever he finds in there. My mom tells me that it's only fair since I myself was a poop painter. But she was able to sew me into my sleeper and solve the problem. Not us. We put Chandler in a backwards sleepsack, over his sewn up sleeper. In the morning, we woke up to a completely naked child. That's when we started duct taping his diaper on. And then, when he couldn't get his diaper off, he held Tyler down and took his clothes and diaper off. So now we also have to duct tape Tyler's diaper to keep Chandler from taking it off. If I wasn't living it, I wouldn't believe it.

Stay at Home Mom

My mom once told me that when my brother and I were young, she had a phone installed in the bathroom because we loved bath time. In today's world of cell phones, that may not seem like a big deal. But there was a time, not too long ago when we didn't all have a phone attached to our hips. And not too long before that, there weren't even any cordless phones. A phone in the bathroom was a huge extravagance. But I can tell you right now, I would have done it too. Bath time is the one time that my two wild and crazy boys are happy to be confined to a small space for a long period of time. You will often catch me giving my kids a bath in the middle of the day just to try to keep them happy while I enjoy a book or a little facebook on my cell phone. On some days, my mobile facebook is my only connection to the outside world. But that was my choice. Well, mine and my husband's choice anyway. In a day and age where women are bending over backwards to prove they can do it all with a successful career and a happy family, we made the decision to not do it all. When the opportunity presented itself, we decided to take the plunge to allow me to be a full-time Stay at Home Mom. Not that I think there is anything at all wrong with being a working mom. My heart just wasn't in it anymore. I wanted to be in the trenches, raising my kids as best I could. And my husband supported that ideal. And let me tell you, if it wasn't for the support from my family and friends, I never would have survived. The words "it takes a village" have never meant more to me than since I began staying home full time. Because no one can really stay home full time. The kids and I would hate each other. I don't say that lightly. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. At least this heart. My mom is always willing to go with us on errands, or watch the boys for my numerous doctor appointments. My husband makes it a point to get me time out of the house so I can collect my sanity and he can have some much needed alone time with his sons. And my friend, Sarah, is one of the most giving people I know. She has been there for us literally since day one. When she heard about the unexpected delivery of the boys, she came to our house and set-up every baby item that had not yet been completed. And I could never repay her for all of the help she has given us since then. Mike, Sarah and my mom are the reason that so many of you think that I am such a wonderful mother. So to them I say Thank You!

"Are they twins?"

Some people that have multiples get sick of being asked about them. I don't. I've always thought twins were very cool and I can understand other's curiosity. Comments like "Double Trouble" aren't very inventive, but I don't get upset by them. When people tell me "Better you than me," I simply agree. Because I could not imagine my life without twins. They now define a large part of who I am. So I have absolutely no problem discussing if they are identical or fraternal with you. I'm happy to debate with you about the pros and cons of having two at one time versus two of different ages. And yes, please tell me about your own twins experience. I love to commiserate with parents in the same boat as me, or who are just entering the twins arena with infants. I also really enjoy talking with parents who "survived" having twins. And I am happy to hear from twins that can tell me a little about what may be going on inside my boys' heads. But I am so grateful that the comparisons to Jon & Kate plus Eight and Octomom have stopped. I don't know why anyone would think that two babies is in any way similar. I think IVF is a wonderful thing. And I absolutely would have done IVF if it was the only way to bring my babies into this world. But I would NEVER put my babies at risk by implanting so many embryos.

And why do people feel the need to "argue" with me about my twins. A typical conversation with a stranger when they were first born went something like this..."Are they twins?" "Yes they are." "Are they identical?" "No, they're fraternal." "But they look so much alike." "Well, they are brothers..." Nowadays we get a much more mixed reaction. Some people still ask if they are identical. Most people still ask if they are twins. But every once in a while someone will insist that they can't be twins because one is so much bigger than the other. This one always cracks me up. At their last check-up, they were about a pound different in weight and a quarter inch different in height.

People also ask me a lot if these are our only children. Yes they are. Not because they are a handful and we'd never think about having more children. But because I cannot risk another pregnancy. It wouldn't be fair to the children we already have. Does it make me sad? Of course it does. There is a big difference between choosing not to have any more children and having the decision made for you. But I have come to terms with it and I am so grateful that we got two for one.

Off Topic Rant

OK, I know this blog is supposed to be about my life as a mom. But I have something to get off my chest. Why does my tendency to trust in people always have to come back to bite me in the butt? When Mike and I bought our house in Arizona, we trusted the mortgage company to deal fairly with us. Instead, we got a last minute change in our interest rate in our closing papers. We trusted our realtor when he said it was ok to sign anyway and we could straighten it out with the mortgage company when they reopened on Monday. He was wrong. So we got stuck with a crappy mortgage on a house bought in the peak of the housing boom. Then, when we moved back to Indiana for Mike's promotion and to start our family, we trusted the same realtor to manage our house as a rental until the housing market bounced back. He, of course, did not manage the rental well and we were stuck with thousands of dollars in repairs. So we trusted a new rental management company when they found great renters who wanted to sign a three year lease. No surprise when a year and a half later they abandoned our house in horrible condition(The picture is our once beautiful built-in BBQ). But it did surprise us that the $9,000 estimate for repairs that came back from the rental management company was apparently bogus. After having another company look at it, damages are estimated at about $2,000. Apparently the other $7,000 was to line their pockets. And I am still blindly putting all of my trust in this new company, who was recommended by a reputable lawyer. Why? Because I have no choice. That's why.

Dining Out

Dining out with two babies takes more than just a little planning. You don't want cranky babies, so leaving after a nap is a must. But that also means that you are going to have two energy loaded kids to keep occupied for about an hour. Waiting to be seated is not an option. It's just not realistic to expect babies to behave properly for too long of a period. So it may seem like an odd choice, but early dinners at Longhorn Steakhouse has been our go-to dining experience. Longhorn doesn't usually come to mind when thinking kid friendly. But they have one distinct advantage over every other restaurant. They have call ahead seating. So we can be sure to get seated soon after arriving, thus increasing our odds for an enjoyable evening out.

What are the dining out essentials in our diaper bag?

1. Sippy Straps - These simple little strips of cloth have been my savior. They attach to car seats, strollers, high chairs, pretty much anything you can think of and have saved us from picking up sippy cups as the boys' entertainment while out and about.

2. Scotch Tape - When one of the aforementioned Sippy Pals broke during our trip to Georgia, I bought a role of scotch tape to rig it until we got home. I then ordered more Sippy Pals, but I have kept the tape in my diaper bag and it has come in handy on more than one occasion.

3. Adhesive Placemats - They stick to the table so the babies have a clean surface to eat off of without the need to constantly keep them from throwing their plates on the floor.

4. Small Broom and Dust Pan - Yes, you read that right. I carry a small, flat broom and dust pan in my diaper bag. My mom bought it for me when I was on my hands and knees picking up after my monsters and wishing they made something exactly like what she found to help me. You see, I don't believe it is the restaurant's responsibility to clean up after my kids.

5. Toys - Although I honestly don't know why I bother with these. They NEVER want to play with any of them for more than a minute before they start throwing them on the floor.

6. Juice and Snacks - It has always seemed ironic to me that we can't go to a restaurant without food and beverage for our kids. Which almost always means that they are full and hardly touch the food that I have ordered for them. But, it is the one thing that can keep their attention to some degree so we aren't bothering everyone else in the restaurant.

7. Extra Clothes, Diapers and Wipes - No explanation needed here... Our odds of a failed diaper greatly increase just by leaving the house.

8. Nail Clippers - Odd? Of course it is. But I always seem to really notice how badly their nails need to be cut while we are out and about. I transferred the nail clippers to the diaper bag a long time ago so that I'd have them when I noticed.

9. Tiny Trash Bags - Used diapers, wet clothes, food messes, etc. These little trash bags are so handy to have.

I'm sure I have missed some things and I am too lazy to go look in my diaper bag to see what they are. You'll just have to take my word for it that I have done my best to cover all our bases.

Organization is Key

People that know me know that I am a planner. I like to have all my ducks in a row. And I plan for every contingency so that I am always early, never late. It's trickier with two children, but it's not impossible. So, it shouldn't have been a surprise that I prepared a two sided, typed and laminated set of guidelines for Chandler and Tyler's first overnight stay away from me. Never mind that they were going to stay with their Nana and Poppo. And never mind that Nana is a nurse that at one time worked in the NICU. I needed them to know how we did it at home so that hopefully things would be easier on everyone during their visit. And it was laminated out of practicality. Caring for two babies requires more than a little bit of water. If it got wet, they wouldn't be up a creek without a paddle. Yes, they laughed at me. And they told my brother, who called and laughed at me. But it made me feel better about "abandoning" my children for a whole night. And when we picked the boys up, they even admitted that it was helpful. I updated the guidelines every time they went for an overnight, and kept them handy in the kitchen for reference when we had the occasional babysitter. Which wasn't very often. It didn't occur to us to go out without the kids very often. Not because we didn't want to, but because we were too tired to put any effort into anything but surviving. And staying up late for a real date night was unthinkable. I remember one night we did ask a friend to babysit so we could go to Chicago for sushi. I sent her a text when we were on our way home and she responded that we weren't allowed to come home yet. We were instructed to go have a drink or something. We were at a total loss for what to do with ourselves. It had been way too long since we had free time like that.

Eventually, the boys started sleeping through the night consistently. They were learning how to self sooth. And it was a beautiful thing. Except that we got spoiled. When they didn't sleep well, it was rough because it was so unusual. One night in particular had Chandler absolutely inconsolable. Mike eventually gave up on sleep and took him downstairs to the playroom so that Tyler and I could get some sleep. In the morning, I went downstairs to find Chandler and Mike asleep on the couch. Mike told me how bad he felt for Chandler and he was really hurting from teething. He said his gums were white, which we both knew was normal when teething. Then Chandler started to stir and I saw the white that Mike was referring too. I was horrified! That was not teething white gums. Something was very wrong. I was already calculating the fastest route to the hospital when my mother's instinct had me put my finger on the white patch. It felt strange. So I moved my finger a little and it started to peel off. Yeah, it was the tag to one of their stuffed animals. Chandler had chewed the tag off during the night. Typical rookie parent mistake. We took all of the tags off the rest of their stuffed animals. And I was so glad that I had not taken a trip to the ER to find that out. How embarrassing that would have been!

The Joys of a New Mom

My very first Mother's Day approached with great anticipation. I couldn't wait to see what my boys had gotten me. My friends had all gotten rings, necklaces or some other form of jewelry representing the birth of their first child. I got flowers. And not just any flowers, yellow flowers. That probably doesn't mean anything to you, but I am not a fan of yellow....at all. Needless to say, I was slightly disappointed. But, I still had my Mother's Day brunch to look forward to. And it really was a very lovely day. Two days later was my birthday. And with it came my combined Mother's Day/Birthday present. A Kindle!!! The best present ever!

And now onto one of the finer points of motherhood...Diaper changes. The timing my babies had was impeccable. I learned quickly to put a cloth over them as soon as the diaper came off to avoid an unintended shower. But the poop was a whole different matter. I have caught more feces in my hand, with only a wipe between us, then you want to know about. But one story has to be told. It was the middle of the night and Chandler needed a diaper change. It was my turn, so I dutifully stumbled through the motions. I took the dirty diaper off and approached with a wipe. Not quick enough. Chandler farted and sprayed poop across the room. It was everywhere! Everywhere except on him that is. He smiled. I finished changing his diaper and he went back to sleep while I did my best to clean that mess up by flashlight. I was still finding spots I had missed a week later!

Why do they offer swim lessons for babies at 6 months of age? Because suckers like me will pay for them. Don't get me wrong, it was fun for the whole family, but they did not learn how to swim. At best, I hope we gave them a nice introduction to the water. And, of course we will always have the pictures. I have made many mistakes as a parent, and will make many more, but not taking enough pictures is not one of them.

Baptism

Since becoming a full member of the Catholic Church seems to be very much linked with the conception of my babies (at least in my mind), it seems appropriate that I devote some time to the baptism of Chandler and Tyler. Here's something I never realized...You have to book your child's baptism MONTHS in advance. Consequently, Aiden (my nephew), Chandler and Tyler didn't get baptized until May.

I was very excited to make Chandler and Tyler's baptism outfits out of my wedding dress. I had heard of this tradition from a friend and just loved the thought of it. Especially since I would not have a daughter who might want to wear it someday. So, my mom and I went to JoAnn's and bought a pattern that we liked and looked easy enough. And we bought some heavy satin material to make a first pass at it, just in case. After a couple of days, we decided to use the backup plan. My mom called a lovely lady she had met when I was still pregnant to see if she could make the outfits. She did a beautiful job and didn't charge nearly enough for them. I paid her extra.

With the outfits taken care of, I had plenty of time to devote to decorating the baptism candles. I decided to step away from the traditional ribbons and beads. I made a slipcover for each candle with a picture and the baptism information on it. I just loved how they turned out. I hope they appreciate them when they get older. But they are boys, so probably not.

The day of their baptism was a warm and sunny day. It couldn't have been more perfect. The mass and baptism were absolutely beautiful. None of the babies cried. I cried. But then, I always cry. And after the church ceremony was over, we headed over to my brother's house for a little celebration. When I say little, you need to be aware that a keg was involved. I think we all felt like we could splurge a little since it was for three babies.

Spring is in the Air

There are no words to describe the joy I felt during our first spring/summer with Chandler and Tyler. But I will try, otherwise this would be a very short blog entry. Our first walk with the boys was probably a bit too early, but we were anxious for warm weather and decided to force the issue. We drove down to Lake George, and bundled the boys up in their car seats in the stroller. I really think they enjoyed the fresh air. And I KNOW we enjoyed getting outside for a while. It was a fairly short walk, but I remember the boys slept very well that night. It's true that a little fresh air can do wonders for a good night's sleep.

Not too long after our first walk, we took our first trip to the park. We walked up to the baby swings and I was so disappointed that one of them had bird poop on it. I had no experience with parks and didn't know that baby wipes were a must back then. Then I discovered that both boys together fit perfectly in one baby swing. How convenient is that?!?! And they had a blast in that swing. But, of course, we pushed the fun too far. They got over stimulated and over tired quickly. So...daddy pushed the stroller back and I carried two little boys, comforting them as best I could. I think I sprinted the last stretch.

That was the spring that we had our deck built. And we bought a fantastic swingset too! Slowly, all of the dreams I had for our future were coming true. We cooked out as often as possible, often times with some friends or family. Not much can compare to playing with your kids, having a drink or two and eating grilled food on a beautiful deck. We even bought camping highchairs for the deck, so we wouldn't have to keep dragging the wooden highchairs in and out. People thought we were crazy, but they came in handy for travel as well. We found out quickly that several of our friends and family have a high chair, but no one had two. And when you factored my nephew in, who was just a month younger then Chandler and Tyler, travel highchairs turned into a necessity.

We were also eager to get out on the bike trails with the boys. So we bought a bike chariot. Sure the age recommendation said 1 year or more, but they could sit up fine and we saw no reason not to forge ahead. That's when I looked up why the age restriction said 1 year. For the record, it's to avoid shaken baby syndrome. I am so very glad that I looked that up before taking the boys for any rides. The bike chariot would have to wait until the next year. Bummer. I still very much enjoyed our walks, but Mike is more a bike rider then a walker.

Milestones

As I am writing this blog, I have been going through my old facebook posts to help jog my memory and I came across something really interesting. Chandler, our child that is now in speech therapy because he needs to focus on talking, used to be a talking fool. I had forgotten that! I can't wait to see what other forgotten memories I uncover.

But "talking" wasn't the only milestone. We were hitting them rapidly. All too soon, it was time to start feeding the boys more than just bottles. Did I really think feeding them bottles was a challenge? In theory, I was so excited to start spoon feeding them. In reality, I didn't know if we were up to the challenge. So, again, we cheated. We used the ill advised infa-feeders for their first cereal. We spoon fed too, but first thing in the morning and the last feeding before bed were using the infa-feeders. The way I figured it, they were learning how to use a spoon just fine. But we needed those two feedings to be nice and calm to survive. Judge me if you will, but it worked.

Most parents both look forward to, and also dread the day their baby starts crawling. I felt exactly that way. We had reached a nice balance and I knew that any day it was going to change. But, surprise of all surprises, life got so much easier when the boys began to crawl. They were suddenly able to come to me and solve a few of their own problems. A little child proofing and we were set!

And then it was time to tackle our sleeping situation... We knew that they had to start sleeping in their cribs. So, we set a date and were determined to stick to it. The date came and we panicked! We had gotten used to a fair amount of sleep and weren't prepared to give that up. So, we packed the boys up and went to Babies R Us to find something, anything that might give us an advantage. And we found the Slumber Bears, or as I refer to them now, Mommy's best friend. They were motion and sound activated to make a soothing sound which really helped calm my babies. And they worked! Tyler slept all night, the very first night. And Chandler only woke a few, brief times. Success!!!

Learning Curve

When we first brought the boys home from the hospital, Mike and I were determined to do everything "right" with them. We would not take the easy way out. But bedtime had to change. We needed some sleep. So, we moved a swing and a bouncy seat into our bedroom. And we used them. We needed sleep. They needed sleep. It was a matter of survival. And...it worked. Hallelujah!!!

Now that I was getting slightly more sleep, I was finding it less overwhelming during the days. We had our moments, but I really started to get the hang of it. For the most part, Chandler and Tyler were really easy on me. Tyler was very mild mannered most of the time. Chandler tended to run a little more hot and cold. He was usually in a good mood, but when he wasn't he made sure his voice was heard. Tyler got his point across with facial expressions. I have never seen a baby with so many different expressions. And you can tell me all about how newborns don't smile. I will simply tell you that you are wrong. Tyler had a smirky smile when he knew he had gotten his way from the start. And he still sports that same smirk today. I don't think it's gas.

All too soon, it was time for me to return to work. I hated the thought of leaving my babies for the majority of every day. I didn't want to leave my boys, but I knew they were in good hands. And, if I'm completely honest, work was WAY easier then caring for two babies on my own. But still I insisted on working up to it slowly. The first week, I worked half days. The second week, Mike worked half days. And then it was time for all day daycare. Before we knew it, the daycare ladies loved our boys almost as much as we did. And they did everything they could to make my job easier. They ALWAYS fed them before my normal pick-up time so I wouldn't have to do it alone when I got them home.

Feeding was our biggest challenge. I was insistent that they eat together always. So if one baby was hungry, we had two options. Feed them both or feed no one. But it worked for us, and we didn't spend our whole lives feeding them. This strategy is why I believe the Boppy to be the greatest invention EVER. We could prop the babies and use one hand for each bottle. It worked like a charm.

Did I say feeding the babies was my biggest challenge? Ummmm...no. My biggest challenge was my health. I don't think I went more than one day in a row without being sick during those first few months. I had the stomach flu several times, laryngitis, strep throat and a whole host of other ailments. This was all on top of my "normal" illnesses. Yeah, I know I sound whiney. I just don't care. It was awful being sick all of the time and there's no use pretending otherwise. I dreamed of a babysitter just so I could sleep. But wait! Didn't I have anyone to babysit and take some of the pressure off? Of course I did. Mike, my mom, Sarah, my brother and Jayme...The line of people willing to take some of the weight off was endless. But I was too stubborn to take them up on it. What was I thinking?!?!

Home at Last

November 26, 2008 - The day we had looked forward to had finally arrived. The doctor told us that we could take our babies home. Celebration!!! We put the "Home from the Hospital" outfits on that Grandma had bought for them, strapped them in their car seats and everyone was wheeled out the doors. That's where we encountered our first obstacle. We had never used car seats with bases before and had no idea what we were doing. But...a little wiggling and jiggling and both boys were secure and we were on our way home. Finally our little family would be together under one roof. We stopped at Lincoln's for a celebratory lunch to bring home with us. And I ended up eating my lunch with an infant on my lap. Exactly as I imagined it would be actually.

We had to feed Chandler and Tyler every two hours (start to start). So, after our lunch, it was time for their lunch. And so we made the bottles and forced the right amount down their little throats. It was essential that they eat the right amount in the right amount of time. This took scheduled feeding to a whole different level, but it was important for their health. So we did it. After we fed them, I called my mom at work and asked "Now what?" I had no idea what to do with the babies now that they were home. They didn't seem very interested in playing with anything. In fact, they really just seemed to want to sleep. How boring?!?! My mom laughed, told me that newborns sleep a lot and gave me a few tips for some baby exercises to get them moving a little.

I'll skip over the gory details of my attempts to pump to an extent. But let me tell you, I felt like a cow being milked...except with little to no success. But I did it, because I was convinced I could get things flowing and eventually be able to actually nurse my baby boys.

Before we knew it, it was "bed" time. So hard to call it that when we knew we were only going to get one hour of sleep at a time...if we were lucky. We swaddled the boys, lay them in the co-sleeper attached to the bed and lay down ourselves. "Waaaaaaa!!!! Waaaaaaa!!!" Yeah, I expected that. We soothed them, popped in their binkies and tried again. "Waaaaaa!!! Waaaaaa!!!" Ah well, it was time to feed them again anyway.... And so the first night went. I'm not going to lie. About halfway through the night I began to wonder why I had been in such a hurry for them to come home for this. As upsetting as the NICU was, it was kind of nice having the nurses take the night shift.

Morning came, with little sleep. Not much different than any other new parents I know. But we couldn't just survive the day. It was Thanksgiving. So, we pulled ourselves together and headed over to my brother's house to celebrate. Everyone was so excited to see the babies. And we were happy to have our first outing out of the way. Then we headed to my father in law's house for more family time. And finally, exhausted, we headed home. Halfway through the night, Mike convinced me to try putting them in their cribs. And it was still awful, because we had to wake ourselves and them every two hours to eat. But it was slightly less awful then the first night. Progress!!!

If you're a parent, you already know how the next few days went. If you're not, nothing I say can ever prepare you. It was wonderful. It was awful. It was life. And then my husband went back to work... I had to take care of two newborns on my own for the majority of the day. And I still had to pump (or at least try to pump) several times a day. To say it was difficult would be a serious understatement. My mom was working full time, but she occasionally stopped by after work to see the boys. One day, after Mike had been back to work for a couple of weeks, she came and then she tried to leave. I started crying. And crying. And crying. She stayed until Mike got home from work. Then they sent me upstairs to take a shower, which I hadn't done in days. And I cried in the shower. When I came downstairs, they were both concerned and trying to be very understanding...which made me cry. Needless to say, the baby blues had set in. I have never felt so alone and overwhelmed in my entire life. And I felt like a complete failure. No other moms seemed to have this much trouble. I had failed at pregnancy, I had failed at nursing and I was failing at taking care of my babies.

The Hospital

My husband told me a while ago what it was like to leave the hospital the night the boys were born. What was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, had him stricken with fear. Not only were his boys premature, jaundiced and on feeding tubes. Chandler was on oxygen and I was in the ICU. Not the start we were hoping for with our new family. It breaks my heart to think of how alone he must have felt.

Sometime on the second day I think (again my memories are quite foggy here) a nurse put me in a wheelchair and took me to see my boys. And someone had the great idea to hand me Tyler. I held him for a brief moment before my world started spinning. No one noticed though. I was scared to death that I was going to pass out while holding him. Luckily, Mike walked in at that moment and I practically threw the baby at him. He said "I haven't washed my hands yet." But that was the lesser of two evils. Apparently I spent the next hour drooling on myself in a stupor while Mike, his dad and his step mom held and even fed the babies. I still feel guilty that I only held one of my babies that first visit.

Someone wheeled me down to the NICU as often as they could. But, I was very sick and the nurses had more than just me to worry about. So, I didn't really get to start bonding with my babies until I was upgraded to the post-partum room. And after a much needed shower, I spent as little time in my room as possible. I was hungry for time with my babies. And I wanted them to know that I was there for them.

Feeding the boys wasn't what I had dreamed of either. I wasn't allowed to nurse yet for several reasons, so they had to be bottle fed. And not just any bottle feeding. They had to eat their rations within a specified time, or they would be using more calories than they were getting. So, every bottle ended with a nurse dumping the rest down their feeding tube. I couldn't really blame them for taking the easy way out though. After all, we had all been fed through a tube for months now.

Chandler and Tyler spent 9 days in the NICU. I was released from the hospital after 6 days. Which means, like too many other mother's out there, I left the hospital without my babies. I can't explain how that feels. Mike and I spent practically every waking minute in the family room holding Chandler and Tyler. And that, my friends, was our very first parental error. We had those babies in our arms every possible minute. We had no idea what kind of habits we were forming. We just wanted them to know how loved they were.

The Beginning...

For a while now, many of my friends have told me that I should be writing our adventures down for others to enjoy. I am not a writer by any stretch of the imagination. And I have no idea what, if anything, I will have to say. I am also not an editor and I am certain that there will be multiple errors on an all too frequent basis. If nothing else comes of this, I can be certain that my boys will be horribly embarrassed to know this blog ever existed when they are old enough to care. And that's reason enough for me...

Be prepared for a long, mostly boring memory...I hope it will get better as I start writing about the present and leave the past behind.

♪♫♪ Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start... ♪♫♪

This is my blog, so I get to decide what the beginning is. For me, it's the day of our Catholic Marriage Blessing. That's the day that several people began to suspect that I was pregnant. Not me, but other people. Because that's the day that I started to get sick. I was so nauseous that I forgot to put my wedding ring on and left it sitting in the bathroom of the public restroom at our Church. I couldn't eat my favorite carrot cake or anything else. And I just couldn't believe that I would get the flu on that day. The next morning, I woke up early and still feeling nauseous. With my husband asleep, I went to my mom's house for some company. She told me I needed to take a pregnancy test, which was ridiculous because I knew I wasn't pregnant. I could feel PMS symptoms already. None the less, she drove me to the drugstore and made me buy a test kit to use if/when I wanted to. And I took it later that afternoon with no thoughts in my head other then proving her wrong. I didn't even tell my husband. If you've ever tried to get pregnant for a long time without success, you know that there comes a point when you just give up hope. You take the test and set in for the 3 minute wait that will tell you that you are not pregnant. So, it was a complete shock when I looked down while washing my hands and saw PREGNANT!!! Of course I told my husband right away, and told him how quickly it had happened. He wanted to be certain and asked me to take another test. I did. And after it also came up PREGNANT, I said "two positives, must be twins..."

Flash forward a few weeks...My doctor confirmed the pregnancy and scheduled me to come in after regular hours for a fun, unofficial ultrasound. That's when he asked us how many babies we had wanted. "How many babies are in there?" I asked. And he told us it was twins. After the shock wore off, we were ecstatic. "Two for One Sale" we told all of our friends and family. I just couldn't believe our good luck. Sure, it would be hard, but I knew we were up for the challenge. I just didn't know the challenge would start so soon.

Memorial Day weekend brought my severe "morning sickness" to a head. I wasn't able to keep even a drink of water down and my anti-nausea medications were making me sick. Off to the ER we went. Where they gave me IV medications and fluid. But that didn't work either and I was admitted for my first stay in the hospital. And I was officially diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Or, as I like to call it, Morning Sickness from Hell. They spent a few days pumping me full of fluids, prescribed even more anti-nausea medications and sent me home.

Fast forward a few weeks...Yet another check-up revealed that I had now lost 30 pounds since the start of the pregnancy and I was still not eating anything. And it was off to the hospital again. Several days of fluids and studying my food and water intake convinced my doctors that a PICC line was my best option for the health of the babies. No gory details here, except that it hurt, a lot when they put it in. It took three attempts with no pain medication. But, at last I was able to "feed" my babies.

November 18, 2008. I woke up early and in a lot of pain. Back labor? Maybe. So I called my mom. After a couple of hours of constant pain, mixed with fairly steady contractions, I called my doctor who had us go straight to the hospital. All the nurses buzzed around me, getting me set-up and hooked to a monitor, where I was confirmed to be having contractions. They then checked my cervix. The nurse threw my legs down in disgust and announced that I was not at all dilated. It was "only" preterm labor. Ummmm...sorry. My doctor had them run some tests and Mike and my mom went to work. No need to waste a day if there weren't going to be any babies. And the whole hospital thing was old news by now. So I peed in a cup, had some blood drawn and was wheeled down to ultrasound, where I waited...and waited...and waited. The pain medication they had given me had completely worn off by the time I got into the ultrasound. And then I was wheeled back upstairs, where the b*tch nurse informed me they were going to have to move me to another room because "they needed this room for someone who was ACTUALLY going to deliver today." Then she looked down at my blood pressure reading. And took it again. Then she asked me to relax and took it again. Then she changed arms and took it again. And again. Suddenly she was very sweet and told me she was just going to call my doctor and she'd be right back. Luckily my husband was already in route to the hospital because a few minutes later the doctor came in and explained they were going to have to do a c-section and it was "a little bit of an emergency." We didn't have time to induce. My husband arrived right after that announcement and I was wheeled off to surgery. I got to see my beautiful babies for a minute before they were wheeled off to the NICU, with Chandler being put on oxygen. I was wheeled down to recovery and then to my post-partum room...for about half a second. My doctor had me transferred to the ICU immediately because my body was shutting down from HELLP Syndrome. And that's the last coherent memory I have for four days. I was on Magnesium to prevent seizures from the high blood pressure and I received two blood transfusions. I have bits and pieces of memories, but nothing clear until the Magnesium was stopped and I was moved to a post-partum room. And all I can say is "I'm sorry." I am so very sorry that my husband had to go through all of that without me to support him. He had to see our Chandler on oxygen. He was the first to see Chandler and Tyler with feeding tubes, and jaundice incubators. And he was rock solid.